The mind is a mysterious thing.
I’ve been working in Film and TV for most of my life, yet it wasn’t until more recent years that I acknowledged my ongoing battle with anxiety and depression. On set I was told that while I did a great job, I was far “too emotional” or “too intense” at times and I struggled to understand why others seemed to handle set life better than I was able to.
I tried immersing myself into documentaries, where I enjoyed smaller teams and more autonomy. Later on, my career shifted into working exclusively off-set. While periods of anxiety became less frequent, that all to familiar ‘intensity’ would emerge. My reactions to situations felt beyond my control and completely disproportionate to the issues at hand. I felt alienated. I blamed myself.
“Maybe I just can’t do this anymore.”
After a lengthy struggle with my former partner’s bi-polar and psychosis that I immersed myself into understanding mental health and how to advocate for those afflicted. What I learned is that anxiety and depression affect more people I ever realized.
While I have developed tremendous coping tools and a reliable support network, the one thing I cannot control are the consistent high-stakes responsibilities of Production. Collectively, we are getting better at identifying and supporting our community, but cracks still appear, stigmas still linger and many still suffer in silence.
I have loved this industry for most of my life. As a film and tv professional for who experiences anxiety and depression. Recently diagnosed with PMDD. Until a few years ago, I believed I was just a highly emotional person, prone to outbursts when things got “too tough”. Often frustrated and confused at my reactions, where it seems no one else on experienced things the way I sometimes did. My marriage to a talented and compassionate artist who suffered from Bi-Polar disorder exposed me to vulnerable and often bewildering environments that embrace mental-health sufferers and care-givers.
It was though our journey that I realized anxiety takes on many forms, and manifests itself in countless ways. I began talking talking about my experiences and soon realized that I am not alone. Moreover, I learned how rampant mental-health issues are in the industry and dove deeper into understanding the ecosystems we live in, and the symbiotic effect they have on our mental health. I was fortunate enough to be introduced with a counselor who helped me identify my triggers, which emotions are reasonable and expected vs. which are manipulated by anxiety. Essentially, learning to cope, while recognizing when things get beyond my control. I learned to ask for help.
Through my own decision to be up front and open about my personal journey, I found so many others who either struggle in their own journey to find balance, or who have loved ones who they desperately try to understand. It is this intimate love of the industry, my film family, and the uniqueness of each of us as we strive to accept each other and grow into our best selves – that I created S.A.F.E. on SET.
In solidarity,
Jennifer Zabawa
Founder, S.A.F.E. on Set
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